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| Mr. & Mrs. Meliga |
It was one of
the most colourful wedding receptions I’ve ever attended. Onyekachi and Hassana
Chiemeka had just given away their beautiful daughter (Katrina) in marriage.
She was wedded to Timipre, her college sweetheart. The Chiemekas were obviously
gloating about the radiant bride, the lavish decorations and the resplendence
of the festivities. For them, it has been 26 blissful years of marriage. Well,
almost. Their love had kept the union strong in spite of the initial resistance
from their relatives. The normal challenges of marriage were a bit harder for
them because they’ve had to deal with their cultural differences. They’ve
worked hard at it and today, they are a stellar example of a successful
intertribal marriage.
At one of the rear tables, an attractive,
rather morose, banker tried her best to remain inconspicuous. But for the
insistence of her parents that she represent them at this wedding, Hadiza
wouldn’t have attended. She was still smarting from her tumultuous four-year
marriage even a year after the acrimonious divorce that permanently severed her
ties with Kunle, her ex husband. She has had to quit her position at the bank
to avoid bumping into him.
She watched the new couple, exultantly execute their nuptial dance, supported by jubilant family and friends and hoped things won’t turn sour for them as it did for her.
She’d met Kunle when they were Executive Trainees at their bank’s training school. It was love at first sight. Or so she thought. They didn’t have that much resistance from their cosmopolitan parents, so they were confident the union was headed for bliss. It was great at the beginning, but three years of attrition had almost cost her her sanity. She couldn’t stand the onslaught from her relatives and later, her husband. The fact that she hadn’t conceived, added to the storm.
She gazed at the radiant newly-weds again. The bride was half-Igbo, half-Gbagyi and the groom was Ijaw. Hadiza hoped they’d considered the pros and cons before jumping the broom; otherwise, they may end up in her soggy shoes.
Intertribal marriages are different things to different people. They’re a fair to some and a snare to others. They’re abominable to some; to others, the future for Nigeria.
With increasing urbanization, our towns and cities are becoming more cosmopolitan. With private and public institutions manned and utilized by people of different ethnic and religious backgrounds, we’re increasingly drawn into close interactions in schools, the workplace, places of worship, the NYSC, public utilities (airports, post offices, libraries...) recreation spaces etc. Where ever there’s an aggregation of people, Cupid is sure to be there, quiver full, eager to shoot his arrows. His excellent marksmanship often leads to cross-cultural marriages.
There has been a rise in the number of such unions in the past two decades. While this is not a new phenomenon, it is more noticeable now. A few high profile examples readily come to mind: Chief Olusegun and Stella Obasanjo (Yoruba and Edo); Gen. Ibrahim and Maryam Babangida (Hausa and Igbo); Gen. Theophilus and Daisy Danjuma (Jukun and Edo), Alh. Atiku and Titi Abubakar (Fulani and Yoruba)....
Today, a lot of families in urban areas across the country have family and friends married to a spouse from a tribe other than theirs. I’m a prime example. Three of my friends, two siblings, an uncle, an aunt and half a dozen cousins are in cross-cultural marriages right now.
The weddings are often more colourful, spicier and better attended than regular weddings as each tribe tries to outdo the other adding colour to the festivities in the process. It brings different families and friends together. It bestows honour on the bride and her family, particularly her parents. She is also respected for bringing honour to her family.
Most people agree that intertribal marriages foster unity between the peoples of Nigeria and can be a veritable tool for national integration. Indeed, those married to spouses from other tribes tend to be more open; often more appreciative and tolerant of other ethnic groups. Differences in culture and ethnicity are often a plus in some marriages. When well-managed, they can forge strong bonds in a loving relationship.
One of my friends, Jibo, who is Igala married to an Idoma woman for more than 15 years, insists, “The children of these marriages could profit from the best of two cultures; they could be multilingual.” His children speak Igala, Idoma, Hausa and English.
If you’re aspiring for a career in business or politics, perhaps this is the way to go. Cross-cultural marriage affords you the opportunity to forge strong alliances across cultural and regional divides. It gains you access to the connections and networks of the family you marry into.
But before you run off to marry cross country, you have to consider a few things. First, don’t do it because you think it’s cool or exotic to marry from another tribe. It may be exotic from the outside, but that gloss soon fades in the stark reality of marriage. Second, don’t do it just because you think you’re growing too old and he’s the only guy that has asked to marry you and you’re afraid this may be your last chance to get hooked. It’s better to be single than to be bound to the wrong person. As in any marriage, you must go into it for the right reasons.
Like all marriages, cross-cultural unions have their own share of problems. However, due to the differences in cultural values, the potential for conflict may be a bit greater and the farther the geographical location of the couple’s tribes and where they grew up, the harder the task of adaptation and/or assimilation.
It appears that tribes located within approximate geographical locations have fewer variatmions in culture, thus lesser chances of conflict and less resistance to intertribal marriages. For instance, it is easier for a Hausa man to marry a Fulani woman, an Idoma woman an Igala man, an Ikwere man an Igbo woman or a Jaba woman to marry a Kagoma man.
As Jibo cautioned, “be sure to keep a good distance between your home and your in-laws and relatives.” He insists relatives are at the root of some of the crises in intertribal marriages in Nigeria. Initial resistance from parents is usually due to the fear of diluting or losing their culture or their religious beliefs. In a patriarchal society, the woman and children are expected to adopt the man’s culture and tongue. If a girl marries outside her tribe, it’s expected that her husband’s culture consumes hers. If she is perceived not to conform to this, the husband or his family may intervene to enforce it or, more often, spark off a debilitating ‘cold war’. When in-laws interfere in this manner, there may be real trouble in that home.
The success of intertribal marriages seems to increase with increased educational level and the financial status of a couple and their parents. Educated people tend to be more westernized and detribalized. The chances of success also seem to increase with couples who grew up in cosmopolitan areas. Ene, my friend’s cousin, and her husband Adewale, both architects, are a good example. They grew up in a middle income estate in Kaduna and went to the same schools. Evidently, they’re living in the proverbial marital bliss.
Sometimes, even education and money cannot soothe deep-rooted intertribal distrust, suspicion and prejudices. I recall the story of a Jukun woman who abandoned her marriage of 18 years leaving her Tiv husband and three children devastated. This happened at the height of the internecine conflict between the Tivs and Jukuns in the early 2000s.
If you’re contemplating a cross-cultural marriage, there are a few things that can make it easier for you:
It’ll be easier if you share the same religious beliefs. If you’re a Christian from the South (or even from the North) and you’re dreaming of marrying a Muslim Hausa woman from the Far North; forget it. Islam forbids Muslim women from marrying men of other faiths, even though Muslim men are free to do so. For born-again Christians, interreligious marriage is a no-go-area: “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” (2Co 6:14 KJV).
Understanding and speaking a common language will do you a load of good. English does the trick here. Paradoxically, this can also be a problem. Society expects the children to be raised in accordance with the husband’s culture and traditions. But most times, it is the wife that spends the most time with the children. If she doesn’t speak her husband’s language, the children usually pick up hers or, very often, learn only English. A lot of children born in intertribal marriages are facing an identity crisis. They speak neither of their parents’ languages and know even less of their cultures. This is putting a lot of our languages at the risk of disappearing in the next 50 years.
In spite of the unique challenges intertribal marriages may present, when couples work at it, it’s often successful. Both partners should be ready to make all necessary allowances to accommodate their differences, manage their relatives and friends, and concentrate on their love. Again, due to the patriarchal nature of our society, the woman has to make the most adjustment. She has to make the effort to learn her husband’s culture, food, language, etc. It won’t hurt if the man does same. They must drop all the negative stereotypes of the other’s tribe that they may have had before the marriage.
Without doubt, the number of intercultural marriages will keep rising. You may even be a party to it very soon. If we can manage the challenges, this can be a way to unite us as a nation. But what will ultimately make it thrive is love, understanding and a commitment to make it work.
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