Why Men Cheat

Models: Godwin Komo Apochi, Ladi Sambo

Decent, Church-Going, Family Men Who Just Happen To Have Mistresses

When Francis decided to settle down, he chose Sandra. She was the girl of his dreams; the love of his life. Sandra was tall, light-skinned and had a pronounced Coke bottle figure. Although she was only of average intelligence, she was very ‘sociable’, a quality Francis considered an asset considering his ambition of going into Nigerian politics. He had overlooked more intelligent women because he believed Sandra’s beauty would keep him from, “looking outside,” when they got married.

Well, just a few weeks after their wedding, Francis was spotted checking into a hotel with Khadijat (one of his ex girlfriends). Now, about seven years later, he sleeps at home only about two nights a week on the average. He changes girlfriends every other week, and has a child out of wedlock.

His best friend, Abel, was not any better. A Deacon at his parish, Abel was a beer enthusiast, frequented nightclubs and bars and had mistresses all over Abuja. Abel has been a ‘ladies man’ since his early teens and even his deep involvement with church has not diminished his obsession with the fairer sex. 

Akin, on the other hand, was what most considered the polar opposite of Abel and Francis. An Assistant Director at one of the federal ministries, he was a devoted family man who was active in church, always home after work and never went out at night except to visit family friends with his beautiful wife, Kemi. Unknown to most people however, Akin has had series of affairs with young women at his ministry and women he met at the conferences, workshops and tours that took him out of Abuja almost on a monthly basis.

These men did not really consider themselves as bad people. Neither did their wives. They see themselves as decent, church-going, upwardly-mobile, family men who just happen to have mistresses.

It has been said that one out of three men will cheat by the time they are in their late thirties and forties. ‘Christian’ men are not exempt. Take a tour of the bars, taverns and clubs across the country and you will find them populated with ‘Christian’ husbands with a little money and straying eyes. Even church leaders have been caught in the web of infidelity: read any of Nigeria’s racy tabloids and you’ll see ‘proof’. 

Ways Men Cheat

The Class One Affair: This is the one night stand. It usually occurs when men meet very sexually attractive, and willing, females at clubs, bars, while away from home for a conference, workshop or holiday. Most times, wives never get to know about it.  

The Class Two Affair is a love relationship that starts as a friendship and grows mostly because of a deficit in a marriage. It involves a powerful emotional connection between the man and the woman who usually share a task or orientation such as a job, common ministry or passion. It is very common in the workplace.

Class Three Affairs involves sexual addiction. Sexual addiction may also be accompanied with other addictions like alcohol addiction. Men who fall for this kind of affair may also have a history of molestation or sexual activity before puberty.

A lot of Christian men are also involved in what is termed, “Emotional Affairs” without knowing it. It occurs when two parties share strong feelings for each other. It does not involve sex. That is perhaps why most Christians don’t consider it as cheating. But it is every bit as destructive.

Emotional affairs are super-charged with emotions that rob marriages of emotional energy. They badly affect communication between spouses as the man saves topics of conversation to talk with the woman he is having an affair with rather than with his wife. Because there is no guilt associated with it, this is the hardest kind of affair to recover from.  

When Will Men Cheat?

So when do men go from caring, faithful, husbands to cheating jerks? Men tend to have affairs when they are in their late thirties to early forties. Some situations can however increase the risk of men cheating. When a man does not share a common ministry with his wife or has a hobby that he shares with someone of the opposite sex, his chances of cheating increases. History of infidelity in families also increases the likelihood of men cheating on their wives. This may be because he may have grown up to subconsciously accept cheating as permissive behaviour. Also men who frequently cheated and had multiple sex partners when they were single have a tendency to become cheating husbands

Some Signs Your Man May Be Cheating

In the course of researching this topic, it became apparent that in spite of Francis’ open philandering, his wife seemed completely unaware of it. Could it be that she knew about it but chose to ignore it to save her marriage?

Here are some signs that may indicate that a man may be cheating: He spends more time away from home, he stops asking for sex; he picks fights with you more often, he avoids your calls; he travels together with the same close female colleague. He Works late together with the same close female colleague; praises her more than other co-workers and is always having meetings with her to discuss a project.

Excuses Men Give For Cheating

Actually most Christian men we have spoken to (whom we knew cheat) concerning why they cheat avoided the conversation. But some spoke and from research and observation, we came up with some excuses men give for cheating.

i.             Their wives don’t give them sex especially when they are pregnant or because every night they claim they are exhausted from work

ii.            Their women got fat on them: they no longer find them sexually attractive

iii.           Their wives no longer sexually arouse them. After a long time in marriage having sex with the same women no longer excites them.

iv.          Women let them do it. Their women forgive them because they are afraid they may lose them if they protest or because they feel it is their inadequacy that led their men to cheat in the first place

v.            They can get away with cheating because their wives will not kill them for doing it. Most Nigerian Christian women will tolerate their cheating spouse if he keeps his other obligations as a husband such as providing for the family.

vi.          Their wives has difficulty bearing children, especially male children, so they try other women

vii.         It validates their manhood as expected by society and peers who considers a caring faithful man a weakling and a ‘woman wrapper’.

viii.        Their ex did all the exciting things pornstars did in bed, but they don’t know how to ask their ‘decent’ wives to do the sex positions they want

ix.          Their wife had a baby and their penis no longer fit

x.            Their wife is a nag

xi.          The chase and sexual conquests was challenging and exciting

xii.         A lot of men cheated because the opportunity was simply there

xiii.        They don’t love their wives/girlfriends anymore

xiv.       The woman they cheated with looked like an ex girlfriend they never got over

xv.         It befits their social and economic status. Rich men should live like chiefs: have lots of women

The Truth About Why Men Cheat

To get at the real reasons behind men’s infidelity, not just the excuses we hear from some cheating men or what women think are the reasons why men cheat, marriage counsellor M Gary Neuman, in his book The Truth About Cheating, surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands. Here are some of his findings:

About 48% men listed emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated. This busts the myth that for men, cheating is all about sex. Only about 10% of men think they cheat because of sexual dissatisfaction. The most important factor that makes men cheat is when they feel unappreciated or feel emotionally disconnected.

Most of their extramarital affairs did not start with sex or attraction, but with deep emotional connections and emotional fulfillment. Men live for that. They need someone to reach them there and help them make sense of manhood. They depend on their wives to do this.

Guilt will not stop a man from cheating. It is not only uncaring men that cheat. About 68% of men who cheat never dreamed they would be unfaithful - almost all wish they haven’t done it. So even if your man swears that he will never cheat on you, don’t count on it.

Peer Influence: About 77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheats! Having around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values – it’ll create an environment that supports marriage

Work place association: About 40% of men who cheat met the other woman at work! Most times the women he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts. He spends most of his time (at least 8hrs a day) with the person at work. 

Beauty or physical attraction is not the main reason men cheat: Only 2% of men who cheat said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.  A man doesn't cheat because he thinks he will get better sex with a better-looking body. He is cheating to fill an emotional void. He feels a connection with the other woman and sex comes along for the ride.

Close relationships with other women can lead to men cheating: Only 6% of cheating men had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day or night. About 73% men get to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated.  

For what other reason do you think men cheat? Please share it with us. Drop a comment below.